You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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