Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
