I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
