I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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