I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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