and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
