come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
