I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
