There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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