Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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