i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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