We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
