sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
