I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
