You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
