very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
