Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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