its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
