I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
