sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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