My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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