So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
It was confusing and full of hummus
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
