In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
