He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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