i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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