I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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