it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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