I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
