If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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