Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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