Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
