the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
