Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She bit a glass in half.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
