Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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