yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
