News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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