I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
