oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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