dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
