Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
