matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
