TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
