This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
