Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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