Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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