hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
