that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
