im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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