i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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