i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
