Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
