So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
